Church Restoration Project
Know Your Scripture
Gump Goes to Heaven
Seiko Watch Repair
Men Never Learn
A Smart Blonde
A Cat Goes to Heaven
Words to Live By
Ain't it the Truth
Some One Liners
The Pope Drives
New Ideas at the Church
Good puns, honestly.
Jesus and Joseph
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
Remember that knowing scripture can save your life in more ways than one.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaims an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replies. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says: "Run Forrest, run."
Where does one take a Seiko watch for service or repair?|
To a Seikoatrist, of course!
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.|
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn
Evening Massage - 6PM
Ushers will eat late comers.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
On a church bulletin during the pastor's illness:
GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Wilson is better.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a game. The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you five hundred dollars." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she agrees to play, agrees to the game. The lawyer askes the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay", says the lawyer, "now it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her five hundred dollars.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer five dollars and goes back to sleep.
A young man was infatuated with a certain young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his best friend that every time he got near her he felt about as tall as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his friend responded, "If you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder."
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleeep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow apears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat. The mice said, " All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." Instantly each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
So the couple go to the undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land will cost only $150.
"We'll ship her home", says the guy.
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Climb the Walls
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you", the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?", she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit", the little boy answered.
The Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
The Water Pistol
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and replied, "I remember."
Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?", the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir"' the new employee replied.
"Well then, that makes everything just fine", the boss went on, "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you."
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors -
but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.|
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." |
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said,
"What's a headache"?
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess stopped them and said "Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments.The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse.
He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11. And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!!
1) Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews. |
2) It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
3) The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
4) When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
5) People are strange, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
6) Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
7) Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
8) The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
9) If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
10) God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead, so why should you?
11) To make a long story short, don't tell it.
12) Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
13) Peace starts with a smile.
14) We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
15) Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
16) Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
17) Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
18) God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
19) God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
20) God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
21) Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
22) The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
23) The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
24) We don't change the message, the message changes us.
25) You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation:, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is,
we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."|
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in the exhaust."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read,
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay,” said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' "
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light),
the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb. |
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
" Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.
"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he had stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants
would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister
went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he
was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his
friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.|
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to hear the acknowledgement of his gift.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Have you ever heard of the famous "Tate " family which belongs in evey church?|
(Howard Clark suggested some additional members, but your scribe can't remember them.)
There is old man DicTate who wants to run everything.
Uncle RoTate wants to change everything and sister AgiTate stirs up trouble whenever possible. Her brother IrriTate helps her do so, too.
And whenever new projects are sugested, brother HesiTate and sister VegeTate pour cold water on the proposals.
Then there is sister ImiTate who tries to have the church mimic everybody else.
When the church budget is announced, everybody tends to quake if brother DevasTate stands up in the meeting.
And brother PotenTate wants to be a big shot.
But not all members of the family are bad, for brother FaciliTate is quite helpful. A delightful member of the family is sister FaciliTate. And the minister is always delighted by brother CogiTate and his twin brother MediTate.
So you see, we have quite a large and diversified family in this congregation... who all work together!
An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It
worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."|
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign..... 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US
Senate for assistance. |
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
A little boy walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that
was questionable and clouds were
forming, he made his daily
trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed,
the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning.|
The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered,
"I am trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.|
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting
for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she
had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her,|
"Hello. How are you?! We' ve been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
Jesus decides to take a turn around paradise in order to find Joseph,
his step father, whom he hasn't seen since his crucifixion. Jesus goes
from cloud to cloud when suddenly he sees a little old man sitting quietly
and carving a piece of wood. Jesus approaches the old man and tells him,|
"Hello, this is pretty what you do, was it your job to carve wood on the earth?"
"Yes, I was a carpenter."
"Ah... and did you have children?"
"Yes, I had a son without even fertilizing a woman. My son had an extraordinary destiny and he is still very well known on earth."
On hearing these words Jesus has tears in his eyes. He puts his hand on the shoulder of the little old man and tells him with emotion,
And the little old man answers with great joy,
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard
work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
to his son and described his predicament...|
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son..
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son...
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Pastor Bob walked into a neighbourhood pub that was hopping with music and
dancing. Every now and than the lights would go out followed by an
eruption of cheers from the crowd. When somebody noticed the pastor
however, the revelry stopped, and the room got very quiet. Feeling awkward
and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, "May I
please use the restroom?"|
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"For heavens sake, why not?"
"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I am afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her...."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I will just look the other way."
And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men's room. After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house.
"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, "What happened?"
"They know you are one of us now," the bartender replied with a grin.
The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out."