Summerlea United Church
225 50 Av, Lachine, Québec, H8T2T7, Canada. 514-634-2651
Welcome!
Sourire pour la santé Smile for health Pages
Smiles (Laughs even) Are Good for your Health!

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Smiles01 | Smiles02 | Smiles03 | Smiles04 |


Where is my Sunday Paper? (2011-04-15)
Sunday School Humour (2009-06-25)
The Pastor's Cat (2009-04-23)
UK Church Signs (2009-04-14)
Saskatchewan (2009-04-11)
Cute Ones (2009-02-09)
Songs of Praise (2009-01-26)
Squirrelly Problems (2009-01-26)
Error Messages (2009-01-10)
Judas Asparagus (2008-08-05)
Golf Jokes (2008-07-09)
Jokes that can be told in Church (2008-03-17)
Out of the Mouths of Babes (2007-12-27
Graveside Service (2007-06-22)
So You Think English is Easy. (2007-02-19)
Letter from Grandma (2007-02-15)
For Logofiles (Lovers of Words) (2007-02-14)
Newfie Stories (2007-01-18)
Smiles from the Bible (2006-09-11)
More from Kids
Hymn 365
Why I Love Little Kids!
Improving
Those Irish Again!

Where is my Sunday Paper?
Forwarded 2011-04-12 by Sue & Chris Foot
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
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Sunday School Humour
Forwarded 2009-06-25 by Billie-Marie Yakachuk
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, and she turned into a Telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked, 'If you saw person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible Times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?', his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23, in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your Mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

'Yes, sir.' the boy replied..

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?'

'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a Prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
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The Pastor's Cat
Forwarded 2009-04-11 by Mary Guynan.
The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. However, as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, "Lord, I commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, " if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
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UK Church Signs
Forwarded 2009-04-14 by Dianne Goodyear.
You can click on a photo to see a larger version.
UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign UK Church Sign
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Saskatchewan
Forwarded 2009-04-11 by Jack MacArthur (originally from Saskatchewan).
An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the States, waiting for their luggage. The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man also waiting. She asks her husband where he thinks the man is from.

The husband says he doesn't know. He decides to ask the man and approaches him. "Where are you from? " he asks the man.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", he replies.

Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
"Well, where is he from?" asks the wife.

"I don't know", replies the husband, "He doesn't speak English".
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Cute Ones
Forwarded 2009-02-09 by Bob Henderson
Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'

'Why not?' she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.'

His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The USHER

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.

'The front row please,' she answered.

'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said. 'The pastor is really boring.'

'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired.

'No.' he said.

'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.

'Do you know who I am?' he asked.

'No.' she said.

'Good,' he answered.

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.

'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'

'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'

The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

'Goat,' the little boy replied.

'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'

'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
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Songs of Praise
Forwarded 2009-01-26 by Colleen Priestman
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'.

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
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Squirrelly Problems
Forwarded 2009-01-25 by Susan Ippersiel
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

And a thought for the day:
Life is too short for drama & petty things,
laugh insanely,
Love truly
and forgive quickly
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Error Messages
Forwarded 2007-08-01 by Howard Clark
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku Poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 Syllables - 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the Third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages From Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

I ate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue
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Judas Asparagus
Forwarded 2008-08-05 by Billie-Marie Yakachuk
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Golf Jokes
Forwarded 2008-07-09 by Kevin McKenzie
A gushy sports reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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Jokes that can be told in Church
Forwarded 2008-03-17 by Mary Guynan
(Many of these appear on earlier Smiles pages, but it's fun to hear them again.)
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Out of the Mouths of Babes
Forwarded 2007-12-27 by Mary Guynan
(Some of these appear on earlier Smiles pages.)
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and haveing to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you got now?
Jane

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok?
Neil

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear God,
In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I am Amearican. What are you?
Robert

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Ginny

Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
If we come back as something else please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the bible.
Love, Chris

Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear God,
We read Thos Edison made light. But in Sun. School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear God,
If you let the dinosar not exstinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Peter

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
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Graveside Service
Forwarded 2007-06-22 by Michèle Bitauld
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
'I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
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So You Think English is Easy.
Forwarded 2007-02-18 by Michèle Bitauld
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
See also English is...
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Letter from Grandma
Forwarded 2007-02-15 by Grace Wuthrich
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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For Logofiles (Lovers of Words)
Forwarded 2007-02-14 by Jan McConnell
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
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Newfie Stories
Forwarded 2007-01-17 by Ron Hayman
(Just to balance the Irish stories)
The owner of a golf course in Newfoundland was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Newfoundland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A group of Newfoundland friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

A senior in Newfoundland was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Newfoundland."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Newfoundland because everything happens in Newfoundland twenty years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The Newfoundland RCMP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 1.

The RCMP officer asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in Newfoundland had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

You don't stop laughing because you grow old --

But -- You grow old because you stop laughing!
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Smiles from the Bible
Forwarded 2006-09-09 by Grace Wuthridge
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury . David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda , because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)

PS...

Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
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More from Kids
Forwarded 2006-09-06 by Anne Grice
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:
"What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"
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Hymn 365
Forwarded 2006-08-01 by Anne Grice
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
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Why I Love Little Kids!
Forwarded 2006-08-01 by Mary Guynan
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halos while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
"What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied,
"Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
When my grandson Billy and I ent ered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No", said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Improving
Forwarded 2006-04-09 by Mary Guynan
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
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Those Irish Again!
Forwarded 2006-01-05 by Jack Wallace of Burlington, Ontario.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken!"
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